NEWS 31 JANUARY 2005

ELECTION IN IRAQ
The election, despite the casualties, has been declared a success worldwide with Tony Blair making comment that the elections had struck a blow “right to the heart of global terrorism”.

ALSO IN IRAQ
Unfortunately a Hercules aeroplane containing UK troops appears to have been shot down and ten UK troops are feared dead.

HILARY CLINTON COLLAPSES
She collapsed while making a chamber of commerce lunch address in Buffalo, New York.

NEWS 30 JANUARY 2005

ELECTION IN IRAQ
The elections in Iraq begin today with the first multi-party election for fifty years. Unfortunately however the feared and predicted election day attacks early begin to take lives of civilians.

MICHAEL JACKSON PLEA
On the eve of his sex case, Michael Jackson has made a public plea protesting his innocence in a statement on his website. Sha’mone!

NEWS 29 JANUARY 2005

EXPLOSIONS BEGIN IN IRAQ
A Suicide bomber started voting off with a bang Saturday morning as the main airport and borders to Iraq are shut in order for people to vote under a lessened threat of violence. Sadly however they will receive a mark on their hand after they vote which will kind of give the game away.

CANNABIS LEADS TO MENTAL PROBLEMS
Studies have pointed out that smoking pot leads to depression, paranoia and other mental health problems. How astute.

BIG IN ALBANIA
The front page of The Sun today has an exclusive with the story of how the Albanian mafia have been plotting to kidnap Julian Clary. A rather curious choice/decision on their part I would imagine, especially in the light that most people’s reactions would be “keep him”.

NEWS 28 JANUARY 2005

SECURITY STEPPED UP IN IRAQ
Security has been heightened in Iraq for this Sunday’s election. Maybe they should do it by phone vote like on Big Brother. That works.

LADY IN LAKE HUSBAND GUILTY
A retired teacher has been found guilty of murdering his wife nearly 30 years ago in Cumbria. Now, what was the point of dragging that out?

NEWS 27 JANUARY 2005

AUSCHWITZ LIBERATION ANNIVERSARY
Today marks the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland. Today Prince Harry will probably not be attending a party dressed as a Nazi.

FREED GUANTANAMO BAY FOUR ARE A “THREAT”
It has been stated that after release from questioning in London that the four people released back to Britain from Guantanamo Bay still pose a security threat. Of course they do, why else would they have been held at Camp X-Ray?

SHIPMAN: THE EARLY YEARS
It is now believed that Harold Shipman killed up to 15 patients when he was a junior doctor; which is about the fatality rate of someone like Dr Nick Riviera.

TEN YEARS AGO
On this day ten years ago, Eric Cantona was banned from football for nine months after he did his famous karate kick on a Crystal Palace supporter two days earlier. An act, it should be recalled, that was applauded up and down the UK.

NEWS 26 JANUARY 2005

TERROR SUSPECTS IN HOUSE ARREST
Foreign terrorist suspects will now be detained under house arrest under new proposals. Surely though if they are foreign they won’t have houses to be under arrest in. House with silver spoon socialists with Porsches I say.

IRAQ HELICOPTER CRASH
A US helicopter has crashed in Iraq killing 31 troops. That never happened in Airwolf.

GUANTANAMO BAY ARRESTS CONDEMNED
The lawyer for two of the freed prisoners who came back to England yesterday has stated that they are being used in a “political exercise”. And any confusion between Guantanamo Bay and TV’s Summer Bay is reported to have finally been cleared up.

ALLDERS GOES INTO ADMINISTRATION
So they new coat I got there in the post-Christmas sales will be even cheaper in a few weeks?

NEWS 25 JANUARY 2005

GUANTANAMO AWAY
Four British citizens will be released from the Guantanamo Bay prison today after three years in custody.

HUNT CHALLENGE
Hunt supporters begin their High Court challenge today against the ban on hunting with dogs in England and Wales.

MICROSOFT AIN’T SO BAD
Bill Gates has donated $750m to fight deadly childhood diseases.

NEWS 24 JANUARY 2005

BLUE MONDAY:MOST DEPRESSING DAY OF THE YEAR
Scientists have calculated that today, the fourth Monday of the new year, is the most depressing day of the year due to the combination of weather elements, Christmas debts beginning to take effect and the general ad nauseam of a lack of events to look forward to post-Christmas.

ANOTHER EXPLOSION IN BAGHDAD
A blast in Central Iraq has injured another ten people, seemingly as a pre-election threat for next Sunday’s voting. Is it really worth it?

WETHERSPOONS TO BAN SMOKING IN THEIR PUBS
Wetherspoons is to ban smoking in its chain of bars and pubs from May 2006 onwards. It will match the high levels of hygiene that you already find in Wetherspoons establishments.

HOWARD TO UNVEIL ASYLUM CURBS
So as a gesture/effort to win votes, this really is curb crawling.

NEWS 23 JANUARY 2005

BITTER WAR ON ELECTION
Iraq’s “most wanted man” Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has appeared on the internet apparently declaring a “bitter war” on next Sunday’s election in Iraq.

YUSCHCHENKO SWORN IN
With his face still pretty rough looking, Viktor Yuschchenko has been sworn in as Ukraine’s new president.

HELICOPTER CRASH
Four people have been killed in a helicopter crash in Somerset.

NEWS 22 JANUARY 2005

FIRST TIME HOUSE BUYERS FUCKED
First time house buyers now total only 3% of all property purchases according to latest surveys. It would seem while today’s globally concerned overeducated youth are protesting in the streets over the actions of George Bush (the president of the United Kingdom of America it would apparently seem), only the silver spooner and hardest working kids can now afford to actually purchase a home. Of course this reality is no real revelation to anybody who has watched property prices far from slowly spiral upwards but at least now a percentage can be put on the fact. In 92% of towns in UK towns, first time buyers cannot afford to purchase a home, the problems being most acute in Southern England.

MORE IRAQS ATTACKS
And on the subject of the mess in Iraq, our generation’s Vietnam is many ways, all we really need now is the draft and when I say need I mean NEED! The interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi has said it will be impossible to provide full security for this month’s parliamentary elections. Friday saw another two suicide bombings killing another 25 people while Danish troops have now been charged with mistreating Iraqi prisoners.

BLASTED TORY SPENDING PLAN
Tony Blair is set to blast the Tory spending proposals, claiming that they would cause economic failure. Yeah, it would really ruin what we have going for us right now.

ROSE WEST MOVED
After the Peter Sutcliffe jolly boys outing last week, it has been revealed that Rose West has been temporarily moved from Durham prison to a Buckinghamshire jail to enable family members to visit her. I thought however that she and Fred had probably finished off their family. In a related story, it was reported that two skeletons had been found in the ex-West home’s chimney but they only turned out to be old flames.

NEWS 21 JANUARY 2005

BOYFRIEND FOUND GUILTY OF MURDERING GIRLFRIEND
The 16 year old boy who killed his girlfriend two years ago when they were both 14 years old has been found guilty of the murder. They were both into metal and dressed like Goths.

UK BRACES ITSELF FOR 24 HOUR DRINKING
Although licensing laws are headed to allowing pubs to be open 24 hours, ministers are putting in plans to make the function as hard as possible to do, taking all fun out of the opportunity probably eventually leading to publicans not bothering to exercise the option in the end anyway. The latest suggestion is how the most troublesome pubs will be receiving “yellow cards” and being held most responsible for city centre problems caused by drinking in town centres at the weekends.

NEWS 20 JANUARY 2005

RIPPPER ATTENDS FUNERAL
The country is in uproar today as it has been reported that Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has been allowed out of Broadmoar prison to visit the site where his Father’s ashes have been scattered. It is believed that people are calling for Sutcliffe to be attending his own funeral.

BUSH SWEARS AT INAUGURATION
Washington is bracing itself for trouble (mainly from Michael Moore) as George W. Bush gets sworn in as president for a second term today. Which particular swear words Bush will be stuttering/slurring have not yet been confirmed.

NEWS 19 JANUARY 2005

SOLDIERS FOLLOWING ORDERS
The three UK soldiers up for trial have been claiming today that there were “just following orders”.

TSUNAMI IN ASIA
The global death toll has been raised to 220,000.

IRAQ KEEPS BLOWING UP
Ahead of the proposed elections next month.

NEWS 18 JANUARY 2005

IRAQ SOLDIER ASSAULT GUILTY CHARGE
One of three UK soldiers accused of assaulting Iraqi civilians has pleaded guilty to one charge of assault at a court martial in Germany. The incident occurred in May 2003 in Basra at the aid camp known as Camp Bread. The three soldiers face nine charges of assault in all.

CHILD ACCESS LAW CHANGE
After feeble attempts to break into the Celebrity Big Brother house last week by the Father Rights Liberation Front whatever (you know, those jokers who dress up like Spider-man infringing on Marvel Comics many copyright laws), new proposals to the Child Access Laws include electronically tagging the children in order to know their whereabouts at all times. That rights I say, get these future hoodlums used to what faces them in adult life and house imprisonment. Begs the question however, surely most normal people would desire a law that means they have to spend less time with their offspring, surely not more! Whatever happened to “staying together for the sake of the kids”, I ask you.

BIG FUCK OFF VIRGIN
Richard Branson has been unveiling plans for the world’s biggest jumbo jet, the Airbus A380, the jet that matches his ego! The proposed aeroplane is actually known whether it can actually take off yet and apparently will have room to seat 900 passengers but plans are afoot to provide seating space for 555 passengers and include further fringe benefits such as double beds, a gym and a standing bar area. So as a result, the mile high club will no longer be so much of a challenge and neither will indulging in a bit of air rage and Britons will begin to get used to around the day licensing (and even easier binge drinking sessions) from being up in the sky. And the final word is that a number of airports will not have the capacity or big enough run ways with which to accommodate the jumbo. So all in all, right now it doesn’t really seem a very good idea does it?

RACE HATE REFERRALS UP BY 13%
Surely this matches the rise in other races though? More cars = more car crime? More races = more race crime? It does not justify or validate the crime it but the math won’t lie, sadly it is just “one of those things”.

STORMS HIT THE UK
With weather stories very much in vogue at the moment, the morning news bombarded the nation with tales of snow in the North (primarily Ireland and Scotland) and promised threats of the weather coming South (according to the media the only part of the UK that matters really) very soon. Note to news people: it won’t be our tsunami.

NEWS 17 JANUARY 2005

TAX CUT PLAN
Off the back of yesterday’s announcements about how Michael Howard would plan to save £35bn if he and the Tories got into power, the news story lingers today as he is also believed to be proposing tax cuts in the region of £5bn. Money talks.

POLICE SUED OVER PROTEST
Two people are going to the High Court today to claim damages against the Metropolitan Police for incidents during the May Day protests in 2001. Roughed up at a protest? God forbid.

SWASTIKA BAN
German politicians have called for a European ban of the Nazi symbol. The symbols are already banned under German law and it is generally regarded for the mixing of the colours red and white with the symbol are the height of fashion suicide, a real catwalk no-no.

NEWS 16 JANUARY 2005

HOWARD PLANS TO SAVE £35 BILLION
Michael Howard has unveiled plans of how to save £35bn and put it the savings back into schools and the NHS. Yeah, they need it.

IT’S A BABY!
A woman in Romania has given birth to a baby girl, the mother being aged 67. So it is very plausible that when the kid reaches school, its mum may be deceased and in the meantime it is going to have a right problem with breast feeding those dried up old udders.

BLAIR AND THE OLYMPICS
Tony Blair has expressed a huge desire for the UK to host the 2012 Olympics which would bring “unparalleled social and economical benefits”. He also describes it as a “prize worth fighting for”. Suppose so.

NEWS 15 JANUARY 2005

ABBAS SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT
After the headline was initially mis-read as “Abba’s sworn in as president” and early hopes of a reunion tour were spread throughout the free world, Mahmoud Abbas was confirmed as president of Palestine today. Immediately he has urged a ceasefire between Israel and Palestinian militants. It is also once more being suggested that he fails to have the clout of Arafat, which is expected to be his biggest initial obstacle during his first term.

SPACE PICTURES
A space probe has finally arrived at the moon of Saturn called Titan and beamed back a number of images that have excited the space community. Initial fears that the planet might be inhabited by talking apes were calmed when grainy pictures were beamed back of oily shorelines and rocky surfaces. It is said that this environment represents Earth several million years ago, in the infancy steps of evolution. It is pretty exciting and at the same time terrifying to consider that in thousand years to come there could be civilisations inhabiting these planets and lands.

US TROOPER IN IRAQ PRISON TRIAL
Charles Graner, a 36 year old reservist in the US army, has been convicted as being the ringleader of troops mistreating Iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib jail, with the photos dating from Nov 2003. He pleaded not guilty to five charges, claiming that he was “just following orders”. He now faces up to 15 years in military prison. Maybe they should give him a job in a prison instead, it would be like Porridge crossed with Rambo (kind of). Just a thought.

SMACKING LAW COMES INTO FORCE
Parents in England and Wales who now hit their children to the point that it leaves a mark now will potentially face prosecution and jail according to new laws. Still, the Scottish won’t have to worry and for the rest of the UK, there will always be the option of moving to Glasgow.

ATOMIC BUM
The Sun has revealed in a story today how newly declassified documents from 1994 state how US government scientists were planning a chemical weapon that was intended to emit pheromones and chemically cause enemy soldiers to be distracted by being attracted to each other and trying it on in the midst of battle. You have to suspect that the bomb had already been tested in the UK, causing such high figures in our single mother statistics and the rise in apparently bisexuality in the Big Brother house last year.

NEWS 14 JANUARY 2005

PRINCE HARRY’S STRUGGLE
For a second day that silly sod Prince Harry makes the cover of newspapers for wearing his Nazi costume in public. Suggestions are being made that he now visit Auschwitz as some kind of reparation. Whether he is to go wearing the outfit has not been specified. Another suggested form of punishment is to make him watch Schindler’s List. Yeah, that would really teach him, an afternoon watching telly. Maybe while forcing him to watch Steven Spielberg World War 2 movies, perhaps the could do a double bill of that with 1941. Now that really would teach him.

GAZA CROSSING ATTACKS
Six Israelis have been killed in an attack at the Israel and Gaza crossing point. A truck was driven into a wall and shots were exchanged as three people were killed from each division.

HIGHER FINES FOR HIGHER SOCIETY
The are government plans afoot for raising fines for minor offenses for higher earners in society. The example of a fine increase given is that the maximum fine for failing to stop after an accident would triple to £15,000! David Davies has criticised the plan but otherwise, this Buds for you.

NEWS 13 JANUARY 2005

PRINCE HARRY DRESSED AS NAZI
Parts of the country are in uproar today as pictures of Prince Harry dressed in a Nazi costume at a fancy dress party have made their way onto the front pages of some newspapers. I thought initially the pictures were taken from the Royal Family’s Christmas party. And rumours that the costume was a loaner from Philips remain at that, unconfirmed rumours.

THATCHER COUP
Sir Mark Thatcher has been fined £265,000 for his part in an alleged coup attempt Equatorial Guinea. He also got a four year suspended prison sentence. Which is apparently still preferable to four years around his mum.

NEWS 12 JANUARY 2005

STORMS HIT UK
Raging storms hit the UK again last night, the worst area of which was Scotland. Nearly 50,000 homes were said to be without power as a result of the battering winds after a night which saw another 3 fatalities (2 in Northern Ireland and 1 in Scotland).

HOME INTRUDER LAW
The proposed law change giving less protection to house intruders and burglars and more protection to homeowners in self defence will no longer be change and the vague declaration that homeowners may use “reasonable force” against intruders will remain in place.

NO WMD FOR USA
It was confirmed today that US intelligence has given up its search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. At least they tried, good for them.

NEWS 11 JANUARY 2005

GUANTANAMO BAY RELEASES
It has been suggested that four British citizen detainees will be released and returning to Britain very soon. Maybe orange wasn’t their colour after all.

CLEARED MOTHER TO RECEIVE NO COMPENSATION
Angela Cannings, who was imprisoned for murder in April 2002 after the deaths of her sons Jason and Matthew, was later released 18 months where her conviction was “quashed” when medical evidence against her was discredited. However her appeal has also fallen foul of evidence being discredited and it has been deemed that she is not entitled to receive any compensation.

CHILDREN TO ONLY USE MOBILE PHONES IN EMERGENCIES
A leading expert are saying that children should only use their mobile phones in emergencies because over usage could lead to health problems/risks/threats. One in four seven to ten year olds are now said to own mobile phones.

NEWS 10 JANUARY 2005

NEW YEARS EVE KILLING
The sad murder that occurred in Cambridge on New Years Eve took another turn as yesterday it was discovered that the man who murdered poor Sally Gleason turned out to be a soldier who committed suicide by jumping out of a seventh floor hotel room in Glasgow.

TSUNAMI IN ASIA
Tony Blair has announced that British casualties have officially risen to 453.

EXTRA TROOPS SENT TO IRAQ
400 extra British troops are to be sent to Iraq ahead of the election announces defence secretary Geoff Hoon. Another untimely knock to our Soldier town’s liquor and porn industries.

BROWN SOUGHTS TRUCE?
It has been reported today that Gordon Brown last night called for a truce with Tony Blair over the labour party crown. Instead he, apparently, desires the crown that Lisa I’Anson was forced to wear on Celebrity Big Brother.

CHARLOTTE CHURCH KICKING FAT ARSE
It is reported in The Sun today that Charlotte Church is taking up karate in order to battle the flab. Now is that why there is a dragon on the Welsh flag, because they’re all into martial arts?

NEWS 9 JANUARY 2005

VOTING IN PALESTINE
People in Palestine are today voting for a replacement for the late Yasser Arafat. Roughly 1.1 million individuals have registered to vote.

TONY BLAIR AND GORDON BROWN
Many of the Sunday newspapers this morning report further developments in the rift between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. One news story goes on to claim that the seeds of the rift were spawn in 2003 when Blair suggested to Brown that he was ready/about to step down after the ill effects on his reputation of the Iraq war.

TSUNAMI IN ASIA
It is reported that 100,000 children may have lost their parents while Saturday was Children’s Day in Thailand.

CARLISLE FLOODED
As a result of the bad weather experienced late Friday/early Saturday in the UK, the River Eden flooded and hit Carlisle, making it the part of the UK to get hit worst. Three deaths have been reported with several hundred more people having to be evacuated.

NEWS 8 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
Numbers worsen today as British casualties are confirmed at 440 while 2000 British people remain untraced and unaccounted for.

UK WAKES UP TO WINDS
Meanwhile, in the UK everyone finds themselves waking up to heavy weather, causing disruption, a worthy news but one that the media is coy about reporting in the light of the tsunami tragedy for fear of trivialising events in Asia.

NEWS 7 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
It has been reported that 440 Britons are feared killed/dead, with an unaccounted for 391 persons added to the confirmed 49 casualties. The effects of the tsunami would appear to remain far spreading for a long time to come.

DAMILOLA TAYLOR MURDER
Three teenagers are currently appearing in court today accused of the murder of Damilola Taylor back in 2002. All three teenagers are from Peckham.

NELSON MANDELA’S SON DIES
Yesterday Nelson Mandela’s son died of AIDs aged 54.

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER
Celebrity Big Brother kicked off last night with all its contestants entering the glorified prison, I mean house. So I guess it is only a matter of days now before this becomes the number one news item in the “read” newspapers.

NEWS 6 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
Predicted death tolls now reach 300,000 as figures are creating for sums that we will never accurately know.

Germany has turned out to be the biggest donator of funds.

In the meantime, day to day life is getting back to relative routine as footage circulates of people attempting to return to normality (as per possible) and markets begin to re-open and flourish.

NEW YEARS EVE DISAPPEARENCE
The disappearance of the student on New Years Eve in Cambridge who was suspected of getting into an illegal taxi cab is becoming the main news item for the UK. If she was indeed abducted by an illegal taxi cab driver, it is many people’s worst fears about that industry realised.

LOANS GROANS
Watch say the finance industry and luring people into taking out more financing than they initially intended to and fail to explain the ins and outs and consequences of insurance vehicles and protectors attached to the financing. I could have told them that!

THE WAR ON TERRA
To tie in with the Asian tsunami it seems, Channel Four have decided to show a “War On Terra” season (rib tickling play on words there) to show how the effects of global warming are beginning to already kick in (remember the problems that were supposed to be our children’s problem) complete with the tagline: “it just might save your life”. So will this just be a glorified series encouraging us to recycle?

NEWS 5 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
At midday today, everyone is invited to participate in a three minutes moment of silence in respect to the casualties of the Asian tsunami. This unprecedented and a gesture I have never experienced with my lifetime.

NEWS 4 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
Again heading all the news is the tsunami in Asia. Today’s reports have been detailing how aid workers have been discovering several destroyed villages in Indonesia with the heaviest of death tolls imaginable.

People are now also reporting criminals targeting victims while they lie at their most vulnerable, these crimes stretching to sex crimes within refugee centres and worse.

FOOTBALLERS BUY SUNBEDS
In other news, it has been reported today how Chelsea’s John Terry and Frank Lampard have gone out and purchased sun tanning beds for their homes. It’s good to know that the grief of the tsunami in Asia isn’t getting them too down.

NEWS 3 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
After predicted death tolls of 150,000, official death tolls today reach as 140,000 as obviously the story continues to lead the news. They have however now hunted down one of the people sending out emails about fake casualties, so now they will tsunami him. The TV pictures are still proving too distressing to watch/view and the story is something people do not really want to discuss.

SUICIDE BOMBER BLOWS UP CAR IN BAGHDAD
I didn’t even realise they had cars in Iraq, I thought Saddam had used them all in building his WMDs.

THIEVES TAKE BRAIN REMOTE CONTROL
They’ve invented such a contraption?

WOMEN ESCAPE CAR INSURANCE
Well that’s just not fair is it, equal opportunities and all. Next they’re be letting off illegal immigrants for not requiring car insurance because they don’t have it anyway (joking).

NEWS 2 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
It is now one week since the tsunami hit and still it dominates all the news. One billion pounds has now been given in aid as it is predicted that it will take countries ten years to recover.

RAIL FARES UP
Train fares go up by an average of 4% today. Well that’s not fair is it.

R2D2 DRINKING DRIVING
According to the News Of The World, Kenny Baker who played R2D2, and appeared as a midget in tonnes of other great 80s movies (and apparently fathered Mini Me), was caught drink driving on New Years Eve after being discovered driving his £70,000 erratically. Ironically, in addition to his car being £70K, so is his age.

NEWS 1 JANUARY 2005

THE TSUNAMI IN ASIA
The story still dominates all features and articles in addition to our thoughts and minds. It is hard to even imagine what it was like and what it is currently like in these countries affected. The latest word is that the death toll may reach 150,000 which is staggering.

Donations from the UK have gone past the £50 million mark which is really encouraging in times when people are predicting the end of civilisation for the UK and its residents because of binge drinking and asylum seekers.

U2’S BONO COVERED IN SUGAR
And while a large part of Asia finds itself submerged under water, in a general state of fear and chaos as lives are ruined and families destroyed, rock star Bono can be found “doing his bit” by being covered in sugar from head to toe in order to expose a trade scandal. Bravo. PS: I hope you didn’t any sugar in your iPod.

YEAR OF THE CHAV
In the centre pages of The Sun, it announces that 2004 was the year of the Chav. Indeed it was, but the people were always there, they were just lacking the latest term and the fashions. The best thing truth of course about the Chav is just how oblivious the beast is of it’s own existence, it is as if they are oblivious or in denial. You should study it’s habits and all of you will see.