21 FEBRUARY 2005

I started work at a job in Notting Hill today so I no longer have time to make smart arse comments any more and Hunter S. Thompson died today so there doesn't really seem much point or purpose to it either.

NEWS 11 FEBRUARY 2005

BLAIR’S ELECTION PLEDGES
Tony Blair has outlined six key poll promises. He can count to six?

NEWS 10 FEBRUARY 2005

CHARLES TO GET MARRIED
I guess in an attempt to take the focus off Harry and his Nazi outfit/uniform, it looks like Prince Charles has decided that Lady Di’s corpse is finally cold enough for him to marry up and take the equally frozen hand (I suspect) of that old hag Camilla Parker Balls.

NEWS 9 FEBRUARY 2005

ERM PAPERS WITHHELD
The treasury is withholding ERM paperwork relating to black Wednesday back in 1992, so says the BBC. Apparently so says the government: “the dog ate it”.

SCAMMERS COMPILING “SUCKERS” LIST
As my telephone rings yet again only for it to immediately go dead, consumers are being warned that they may be put on a “suckers list” of naïve person earmarked for further such scams. People responding to offers of large financial sums are the individuals being targeted.

NEWS 8 FEBRUARY 2005

ELLEN MACARTHUR RETURNS TO ENGLAND
Ellen MacArthur: now that is the name of a serial killer’s wife if ever there was one. But no, Ellen MacArthur is currently the toast of the isles after successfully sailing around the world on her own (solo) in record time. Yeah, that was really worthwhile.

ATTACK OF THE CLONES
The doctor that successfully cloned Dolly the sheep (Professor Ian Wilmut) has been granted a licence to clone human embryos for medical research. I would like to order two clones of me for now: one to do the shopping and one to clean the flat. And there was me thinking that the world was already overpopulated and people were already living too long. Is the reason why they’re cutting down on asylum seekers? To make room for all the clones? Really, if you want to see clones (clowns) go nightclubbing at the weekend and go see all the replicant disco tarts. Oh yeah, I forgot, that would mean having to risk your life at the threat of all the excessive binge drinking ruining our country right now. We’re all doomed! And soon we can have a twin to be doomed too.

NEWS 7 FEBRUARY 2005

CHARLES CLARK UNVEILS IMMIGRATION PLAN
He’s going to use a points plan: 3 for a win, 1 for a draw, none for a loss. It works well enough in the Premiership and the Football League and that place is full of foreigners; good and bad ones.

ISRAEL AND PALESTINIAN TRUCE LIKELY
But what will the silver spoon socialists have to complain about then? What will they do with their silly little tea cloth rags? How uncouth.

NEWS 6 FEBRUARY 2005

GUANTANAMO BAY MAN “SUING GOVERNMENT”
One of the four released Guantanamo Bay detainees is planning to “sue the government”. Maybe the government should have left him in there a little longer.

MIGRANT POINT SCHEME
Home Secretary is planning a pointing scheme in order to tighten immigration rules ahead of a major shake up. By all accounts it sounds like Eurovision.

RICE IN ISRAEL
Condoleezza Rice has issued a peace plea to Israel and said it has to make “hard decisions” to advance the peace process with the Palestinians. She also laid a wreath.

NEWS 5 FEBRUARY 2005

G7 AND DEBT AID
Gordon Brown (Tony Blair’s mate) is to continue attempting to persuade G7 finance ministers to back his Debt Aid plan to attack third world debt. After the success of Band Aid, he probably fancies his chances.

METROPOLITAN POLICE CHIEF WANTS TERROR SUSPECT PHONES TAPS
Sir Ian Blair is calling for phone-tap evidence to be used in court against terrorist suspects. He also reckons that it is “inevitable” that Al-Qaeda will attempt to attack London at some point. So tap their fucking phones then.

POPE’S HEALTH IMPROVING
As reported by a Vatican spokesperson, the Pope’s health is improving and he is eating normally once more. The Pope is 84 years old.

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE CHEATING REFEREE?
Match fixing and referee bribing is currently hitting and apparently rife in the Bundesliga at this time. It’s all kicking off in Germany.

NEWS 4 FEBRUARY 2005

TRUANTS GET BACK TO SCHOOL!
Truancy has not fallen despite £885m having been spent on boosting attendance. GMTV was classic this morning by featuring some pond life girl refusing to go to school because they wouldn’t let her take her mobile phone or wear make up. Kids today don’t they’re fucking born!

CONDOLEEZZA RICE VISITS
Condoleezza Rice has visited with Tony Blair and Jack Straw and has insisted that attacking Iran is “not on the agenda”. Most people weren’t aware that it was (or might be). Condoleezza: you would.

MUMPS EPIDEMIC HITS KIDS
Better than a bus though I guess.

NEWS 3 FEBRUARY 2005

BUSH STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
George Dubya has given the annual state of the union address in America. The centrepiece of his address was his plan to radically overhaul pensions as he described the current system as “headed toward bankruptcy”. He also addressed foreign policies although he was booed at one point.

IRA WITHDRAW WEAPONS PLEDGE
As a result of all the flack arousing from the recent robbery in Ireland, the IRA was withdrawn its offer to complete the decommissioning process. Apparently the British and Irish governments have “tried its patience to the limit”.

NEWS 2 FEBRUARY 2005

POPE SPENDS NIGHT IN HOSPITAL
The Pope is said to be peaceful this morning after spending a night in hospital after a bout of flu worsened.

INCAPACITY BENEFIT RAID
An overhaul of benefits paid to 3 million sick and disabled people is to be reviewed in Parliament. Undisclosed rumours are that methods akin to those suggested by Gareth in The Office will be used (“sticking pins in their legs”, “turning on the fire alarms”).

TSUNAMI BABY
A baby called “Baby 81” that survived the tsunami disaster in Asia is to have a DNA test in order to settle a custody battle.

POLAR ICE CAPS MELTING FASTER
Continuing with this year’s vogue news stories (“The War On Terra”) scientists today claim to have more evidence that global warming is melting polar ice caps in Antarctica quicker than previously thought. The new more evidence also coincides with a more receptive audience and media in addition to new job opportunities for such scientists also.

NEWS 1 FEBRUARY 2005

HOSPITALS EXPOSED
There has been an expose with hidden cameras into the conditions within hospital wards exposing the ill treatment of patients and poor working conditions. Bad.

BURGLAR DEFENSE LEAFLET
A leaflet is to be distributed to homes with guidance as to how homeowners can deal with burglars and defend their homes, all in order to avoid another one of those Tony Martin v pikey incidents. Fortunately however, with most first time homeowners being forced out of the market, the numbers for leaflet distribution will be lower than they would have been. That said……

NEW HOMES A FLOOD RISK
The planned 10,000 new homes to be built in South East England by 2016, mainly aimed at first time buyers, have apparently fallen foul of poor planning and could well actually turn out to be at high risk of flooding. That would be one way of dealing with burglars then.