NEWS 2 FEBRUARY 2005

POPE SPENDS NIGHT IN HOSPITAL
The Pope is said to be peaceful this morning after spending a night in hospital after a bout of flu worsened.

INCAPACITY BENEFIT RAID
An overhaul of benefits paid to 3 million sick and disabled people is to be reviewed in Parliament. Undisclosed rumours are that methods akin to those suggested by Gareth in The Office will be used (“sticking pins in their legs”, “turning on the fire alarms”).

TSUNAMI BABY
A baby called “Baby 81” that survived the tsunami disaster in Asia is to have a DNA test in order to settle a custody battle.

POLAR ICE CAPS MELTING FASTER
Continuing with this year’s vogue news stories (“The War On Terra”) scientists today claim to have more evidence that global warming is melting polar ice caps in Antarctica quicker than previously thought. The new more evidence also coincides with a more receptive audience and media in addition to new job opportunities for such scientists also.