NEWS 8 FEBRUARY 2005

ELLEN MACARTHUR RETURNS TO ENGLAND
Ellen MacArthur: now that is the name of a serial killer’s wife if ever there was one. But no, Ellen MacArthur is currently the toast of the isles after successfully sailing around the world on her own (solo) in record time. Yeah, that was really worthwhile.

ATTACK OF THE CLONES
The doctor that successfully cloned Dolly the sheep (Professor Ian Wilmut) has been granted a licence to clone human embryos for medical research. I would like to order two clones of me for now: one to do the shopping and one to clean the flat. And there was me thinking that the world was already overpopulated and people were already living too long. Is the reason why they’re cutting down on asylum seekers? To make room for all the clones? Really, if you want to see clones (clowns) go nightclubbing at the weekend and go see all the replicant disco tarts. Oh yeah, I forgot, that would mean having to risk your life at the threat of all the excessive binge drinking ruining our country right now. We’re all doomed! And soon we can have a twin to be doomed too.