NEWS 15 JANUARY 2005

ABBAS SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT
After the headline was initially mis-read as “Abba’s sworn in as president” and early hopes of a reunion tour were spread throughout the free world, Mahmoud Abbas was confirmed as president of Palestine today. Immediately he has urged a ceasefire between Israel and Palestinian militants. It is also once more being suggested that he fails to have the clout of Arafat, which is expected to be his biggest initial obstacle during his first term.

SPACE PICTURES
A space probe has finally arrived at the moon of Saturn called Titan and beamed back a number of images that have excited the space community. Initial fears that the planet might be inhabited by talking apes were calmed when grainy pictures were beamed back of oily shorelines and rocky surfaces. It is said that this environment represents Earth several million years ago, in the infancy steps of evolution. It is pretty exciting and at the same time terrifying to consider that in thousand years to come there could be civilisations inhabiting these planets and lands.

US TROOPER IN IRAQ PRISON TRIAL
Charles Graner, a 36 year old reservist in the US army, has been convicted as being the ringleader of troops mistreating Iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib jail, with the photos dating from Nov 2003. He pleaded not guilty to five charges, claiming that he was “just following orders”. He now faces up to 15 years in military prison. Maybe they should give him a job in a prison instead, it would be like Porridge crossed with Rambo (kind of). Just a thought.

SMACKING LAW COMES INTO FORCE
Parents in England and Wales who now hit their children to the point that it leaves a mark now will potentially face prosecution and jail according to new laws. Still, the Scottish won’t have to worry and for the rest of the UK, there will always be the option of moving to Glasgow.

ATOMIC BUM
The Sun has revealed in a story today how newly declassified documents from 1994 state how US government scientists were planning a chemical weapon that was intended to emit pheromones and chemically cause enemy soldiers to be distracted by being attracted to each other and trying it on in the midst of battle. You have to suspect that the bomb had already been tested in the UK, causing such high figures in our single mother statistics and the rise in apparently bisexuality in the Big Brother house last year.